The Bundesliga Offside Bundesliga Season Preview

By: Jan | August 6th, 2009

It’s time to preview the eight most important teams of the upcoming Bundesliga season.

Bayern
Pre-Season: Bayern’s pre-season started like all pre-seasons during odd numbered years by putting between 50 to 100 million Euros into circulation, to make up for not signing anyone during the even numbered years. This time they also played a mean practical joke on Stuttgart by handing them more money for Mario Gomez, than they could ever compute. All they had to do then was sit back and lmao, while Stuttgart failed in their amateurish attempts to buy players like Huntelaar or Vagner Love from their monopoly money. Bayern’s new coach Louis van Gaal meanwhile locked himself up in a monastery to learn German. Because when you can handle the celibacy and the ascetic, you can also master German modal verbs.
Verdict: Last season Bayern voiced their wish to play better, harder, faster, stronger attacking football by signing Jürgen Klinsmann. This season they just wanted someone who can teach football, and still might get their previous wish granted. But it could also all go horribly wrong, should Franz Beckenbauer make the mistake and ask van Gaal why Luca Toni isn’t playing.

Hamburg
Pre-Season: Trauma lead to chaos and from chaos emerged Ze Roberto and with Ze Roberto came order and with order came Eljero Elia and Marcus Berg and with them hopes for a better season. The trauma was exclusive to Hamburg boss Bernd Hoffmann. The chaos his making. The Ze Roberto signing a “Wag the Dog” attempt to silence the angry mob of HSV fans, for whom seeing Martin Jol and Didi Beiersdorfer suddenly flee the club wasn’t quite as convenient as it possibly was for Hoffmann. What was even more convenient was, that almost everyone was on holiday while all this happened, and those who returned to the Nordbank Arena to the first training sessions suddenly and surprisingly looked like title contenders.
Verdict: Hamburg have the best balanced squad of any Bundesliga club. Some of this quality and depth was bought this summer, some returned from injury and one needed to be rediscovered at this year’s U21 Euros. So, who or what could possibly stop them? What: The Crunch. Who: Bruno Labaddia. Labaddia likes tactics and he likes to fantasize about boring nihilistic Champions League games, where the teams compressed and decompressed space so cleverly, that Labaddia hopes to gain some credibility himself by mentioning it. But can he teach it?

Wolfsburg
Pre-Season: It’s been a good summer for Volkswagen after acquiring the Bundesliga title, Porsche and Obafemi Martins. At the same time strategic partnerships in key areas of the pitch were extended and improved by binding Grafite, Dzeko and Misimovic to new contracts, despite attempts by the Mediaset/Italian Government conglomerate to gain a controlling stake in Dzeko. Volkswagen are also turning their focus away from Felix Magath’s high top speeds and quick acceleration to a more controlled, environment friendly and future proof passing approach by Armin Veh.
Verdict: Kept the key players. Check. Added depth. Check. Ruin it all with the wrong coach. Maybe.

Leverkusen
Pre-Season: What has Bayer done wrong to upset both the pharmacy and football gods? Tamiflu is being produced by Hoffmann-La Roche and their Bundesliga equals Wolfsburg won the title just like that, while their own team predictably came second somewhere once again. Bayer fans need not despair though. Rudi Völler came to the rescue and tried to fix all that was wrong with Leverkusen over the past few years. He singlehandedly expanded the stadium, so that Bayer no longer needs to live with the stigma of having the smallest ground in the Bundesliga. He signed a coach who had won the Champions League with Real Madrid instead of losing it against them and who won the Bundesliga with Bayern instead of… you know the drill. Instead of just signing young high potentials like Eren Derdiyok, players in their mid thirties are warmly welcomed as well. Just don’t try to get a job at Leverkusen when you are 27 and in your footballing prime.
Verdict: One thing Rudi Völler didn’t change was the team’s intro music, which still reminds the players prior to every home game that “I can’t change, I can’t change, I can’t change.”

Bochum
Pre-Season: For Bochum fans pre-season is the new regular season. The team cruised from one impressive friendly result to the next, no bones broke and no muscles ruptured. The players evaded tackles so effortlessly and read the oppositions attacking moves so easily, that the club decided to add artificial dirt to the new kits, to at least keep the facade of being a workers and not a snobbish artists club. They even had to make the kit extra ugly, to have at least a small chance to meet demand.
Verdict: Should the inexplicable and unimaginable happen, Bochum fans will always have the summer of ‘09, right?

Dortmund
Pre-Season: Dortmund completed all their transfers in the winter already and the team that was sent on their holidays was perfectly intact anyway. A quiet summer at the pool was on the cards for sporting director Michael Zorc and coach Jürgen Klopp. Eventually they decided to sign Dimitar Rangelov from Cottbus and secure Sven Bender through a player swap, just so nobody could say they just hung around the pool and did nothing. After discovering Lucas Barrios’ 37 goals in 2008 compilation video on YouTube, the club was also just too happy to grant Alex Frei his request for a celebrated return to his native Switzerland.
Verdict: Should Lucas Barrios score another 37 goals in the upcoming Bundesliga season, nothing will stand in the club’s way.

Berlin
Pre-Season: Hertha fans have grown accustomed to the curious fact, that all money is suddenly gone in time for a new season. That Dieter Hoeness could be gone just as suddenly was a refreshingly new and unique situation though. Meanwhile, sightings of an ecstatic Lucien Favre, running naked through the streets of Berlin and randomly hugging people are supposedly completely unrelated to these news according to club officials. Hertha’s new dynamic duo Preetz and Favre then spent the rest of the summer lowering expectations and enjoying the sadistic pleasures of inviting players to trials, just to send them back home again.
Verdict: Hertha have so successfully lowered expectations for the new season, that the club will probably do something outrageous again and finish 4th or win a cup competition or something.

Cologne
Pre-Season: Cologne is a club of extremes. New signing Sebastian Freis was welcomed at Cologne’s central station by a single club representative, who picked him up to bring him to the training ground. New signing Lukas Podolski was welcomed by over 20000 fans at the Rhein Energie Stadion complete with a live TV broadcast of his first training session. The illustrious Christoph Daum suddenly ran away to Turkey and was replaced by possibly the most boring coaching combo of the league with Zvonimir Soldo and Michael Henke. In between, Michael Meier found time to offer contracts to Atletico Madrid rejects and negotiate with young Rumanian starlets who then appear to have five different agents and whose club boss sits in jail.
Verdict: Cologne’s fans are frequently ridiculed for their delusions of grandeur, but that’s just a cliche. This season most fans would be happy with comfortable midtable madness and some home games which are just a little bit less dull than what Christoph Daum had to offer last season. This will suffice to put the club in a good position to tackle the Champions League spots in 2010/2011.