The Story of Germany’s Reunification (as told by the Bundesliga)

By: Jan | October 5th, 2009

Saturday’s Bundesliga action coincided with the 19th anniversary of Germany’s reunification, which conveniently is also the country’s national holiday – albeit without lethal fireworks or military parades. To celebrate the event Berlin went all out artsy with some megalomaniac puppeteering, while the Bundesliga chose a more pragmatic approach, by retelling the the events through football over 90 minutes.

Cast in the role of the evil communist regime was FC Cologne, who can claim some iron curtain credibility with their idol Lukas Podolski, whose parents emigrated from Poland in 1987, and their coach Zwonimir Soldo who grew up and started his football career in the then Socalist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia. FC Bayern meanwhile agreed to take on the role of the good guys for a change.

As a prelude to the match Lukas Podolski channeled his best Walter Ulbricht impersonation – head of East Germany’s Socialist Unity Party from 1950 to 1971 – to declare that Cologne are going to Munich to win the match. A statement, which isn’t 100% historically accurate, but still passes as a good enough version of Ulbricht’s infamous words “Nobody has the intention of building a wall” back in 1961. This statement got exposed as a blatant lie one day (or two months in the real world) later when the match kicked off and Cologne settled down in their penalty box – charmingly redubbed Little Berlin. Most critics agreed that Cologne had done a wonderful job with their stage design and commitment to historical accuracy and indeed hardly any dissident Cologne players, who disagreed with Soldo and his coaching, escaped from the penalty box.

Cue Hertha Berlin, who quickly held a press conference to reassure all citizens of former West Berlin, worried by the events in Munich and fearing for their (Bundesliga) existence. Due to the unavailability/inexistence of any American top coaches, Hertha settled for Friedhelm Funkel as their John F. Kenneday, and he immediately took pride in the words: “Ich bin ein Berliner” – or Jelly Doughnut if you like a good urban myth.

Late in the first half Cologne’s central defender Geromel eventually ventured into Bayern’s half all the way to the penalty box for a shy attempt on goal. A metaphor for the 1970s and chancellor Willy Brandt’s then controversial “Neue Ostpolitik“. A policy of “change through rapprochement” to bring the two Germany’s closer together and make the wall more permeable. A policy which is now seen by some as – unintentionally – paving the way for the downfall of the communist regimes in Eastern Europe.

At half-time Louis van Gaal stormed into Cologne’s dressing room requesting “Mr Soldo, tear down this wall.” With little effect though.

In the second half Bayern focussed on a long rendition of the peaceful Monday demonstrations in Leipzig in 1989 and proclaimed “Mia san mia”, which is Bavarian and sort of translates to the “We are the People” slogan used by the demonstrators. Most people in the audience agreed that this part of the story had been dragged out a bit too much and suffered from the uninspired performance by the Bayern players and except for the peacefulness didn’t capture the mood and importance of the original events.

Though, the real downer was the absence of any kind of fitting conclusion. As it turned out the DFL wasn’t willing to meet David Hasselhoff’s astronomical wage demands and foot the energy bill for his leather jacket. But you simply can’t bring down the wall without the cheese and ridiculousness worthy of the late 1980s and Germany.

At the end of the day, I personally thought it wasn’t that bad. But then again my team earned themselves a point for their troubles. For all the Bayern fans in attendance and the neutral football fans at home, who didn’t happen to be history buffs, the match was more like an unwatchably boring 0-0 draw.

Sleepy Bayern Fans