Tutorial: Rant like Uli Hoeneß

By: Jan | November 14th, 2007

Bayern Munich, like all other Bundesliga clubs, are organised as a membership association, and as such they held their annual meeting yesterday. And it could have been a through and through positive event, if it wasn’t for Uli Hoeneß unleashing another trademark rant.

Though, first it’s time to give credit where credit is due. Bayern Munich announced record revenue and profits for the 2006/2007 season. The turn-over climbed to €225.8m versus €204.7m the year before, and profits after tax went up to €18.9m compared to €4.8m the year before. And Bayern managed all that despite all the misery on the pitch that season. On top of that, chairman Rummenigge used his monologue to kiss and make up with coach Ottmar Hitzfeld.

But then it was up to the members of the club (free to anyone who registers and pays a yearly fee), to have their voice. A fan criticised the atmosphere in the stadium* and Uli Hoeneß quickly pumped an extra litre of blood into his head to tell his side of the story.

As a big fan of Uli Hoeneß rants and an avid scholar of his, I thought I’d compile this tutorial, to help you perfect your Hoeneß impression.

1. Intro
Uli Rant 1
Start out easy. Make it look like you’ll actually give a calm, precise and thoughtful answer, just to explode arms wide open into action. Finish the first figure with a left arm gesture that fingerpoints to the ceiling.

2. Make your Point
Uli Rant 2
Wildly fingerpoint, but don’t forget to alterate between your left and right arm. Follow that by a thumb that points behind your back for no reason and then underline everything you just said by throwing your arms wide open once again.

In this section you should say things like:
“Who do you think you are for criticising us when we work our socks off to create this stadium?
“You are the ones responsible for putting the atmosphere inside the stadium.”
Then make digs at local rivals 1860 Munich, who play in the second division, but supposedly have a better atmosphere at their games.
“Give up saying that everything is better at 1860. There is absolutely nothing better there. They are practically bankrupt and it is we who have kept them alive. This is populist rubbish and you would be better off finding yourself another club.”

3. Closing Comments
Uli Rant 3
It’s time to establish a connection between yourself and the audience by pointing at the audience and yourself. Take a short break, distance yourself from the microphone. A useful bridge that leads to the grand finale that follows.

At this stage you should point out the price-tag of your posh new arena (over €300m). Explain the part all those business seats and VIP lounges play in financing the venue. Then let your fans feel second rate, since their money plays an insignificant role in the grand scheme of financing Bayern Munich.
“You cannot refinance that with tickets for the South Stand at only seven euros.”

4. Fade Out
Uli Rant 4
The Kaiser himself tried to interrupt you by now, so it’s time to finish your performance, readjust your chair and calm down again.

All of the above in motion and German looks like this:

* I’m not an expert on what’s going on between Bayern Munich and their fans, but from what I heard, the fans demand a unified standing area in the south stand, instead of being split up between the north and south stand. They also bemoan, that the travelling support for clubs is parked under the roof of the stadium, which apparently makes their fan chants much louder. E.g. Mönchengladbach’s support managed to comprehensively outsing the Bayern fans during the DFB Cup clash between the two clubs.