3 wins, 2 draws and 1 defeat for Bundesliga clubs in Europe this week. The good news is that five out of six have it all in their own hands to progress to the next round. The odd club out is of course Hertha B… no wait.

Bayern Munich 0-2 Bordeaux. Bayern wanted a football teacher and got a textbook case of how little possession stats tell you about the outcome of a football match. The handball by Bordeaux’s Ciani was a textbook case of how you don’t get the right calls, when you are in a crisis either. Bayern now need Bordeaux, who are already qualified, to take some points from Juventus and then still need to beat the Italians in Turin to progress. I think a healthy dose of Bayern Dusel will be necessary to save this season’s Champions League campaign.

Hamburg 0-0 Celtic. It didn’t take a lot for Celtic to completely open up the Hamburg defense and take a shot at a one on one with Frank Rost. To be a bit more precise: one cross or one pass was enough. That should be worrying, because in combination with the Gladbach game, coaches should now have a nice set of tactical tools at their disposal to beat Hamburg. That being said, Hamburg otherwise were in control of the match and the draw keeps them in a good position to get to the next round – or even top the group.

Besiktas 0-3 Wolfsburg. Wolfsburg pulled off the overall most assured performance, even though it took 80 minutes to really make sure of the victory. A draw against Moscow will send them through, a defeat could set them up for quite a finale against Manchester United though.

Bremen 2-0 Austria Vienna. The Austrian Bundesliga had been the better Bundesliga this season – both head-to-head against German Bundesliga teams and in Europe overall coefficient wise. And in all fairness to the southern neighbors they should still be the better Bundesliga this season. Bremen played awful but got all the right calls in their favor to restore German Bundesliga bragging rights – although with the kind help of a Swedish referee. Bremen booked their ticket to the next round and can now afford to play even worse in their last two games.

Seville 1-1 Stuttgart. It was a game of two halves in Seville. One made of fear, the other made of courage. Stuttgart were lucky to escape the first 45 minutes only being one goal down. Stuttgart were unlucky not to take all three points in the second 45 minutes. The draw leaves Stuttgart in third place but with every chance to take second place and progress to the second round.

Heerenveen 2-3 Berlin. Three minutes into the match Hertha were one goal down. A familiar story with an unfamiliar twist and an unlikely hero this time around. Hertha equalized ending a goal drought lasting 461 minutes. They fell behind again. They equalized again. They snatched a winner in overtime. The player who set up the first two goals and scored the winner goes by the name Artur Wichniarek. Hertha are now second in their group, giving them a decent chance to combine their relegation battle with a few more fun trips around Europe.

2 Own Goals. When Bordeaux’s Ciani picked up where Freiburg’s Cha Du-Ri left off during the weekend, I had the feeling, that Bayern might have finally shrugged off all the bad karma, that had plagued them during the Klinsmann season and replaced it with an updated version of Bayern Dusel, in which Bayern don’t even need to score the goals themselves anymore. I was quite wrong with that assumption. Hamit Altintop returned the favor with another own goal, which by that time already put Bordeaux in the lead.*

2 Red Cards. Before Bordeaux took the lead, but after the French champions had equalized, Thomas Müller picked up his second yellow for a late tackle. With Bayern reduced to ten men, there was a small chance for an excuse for some of their poor play in that game, but unfortunately they had already played just as bad with 11 man, so Müller’s red wasn’t just unnecessary, it couldn’t even serve as a scapegoat. Daniel van Buyten eventually capped off a miserable night for Bayern, when he picked up a straight red for a last ditch tackle, which also resulted in Bordeaux’s second penalty.

2 Penalties. The first one was awarded following a foul by Butt, who made up for his mistake with a good save. He then channeled his inner Tim Wiese and saved the second penalty as well. Bayern eventually lost 2-1, still leaving them with a chance to win the head-to-head against Bordeaux when the teams meet next in the Allianz Arena.

2 Draws. Wolfsburg started off well at home against Besiktas, created a few good chances and then slowly lost their grip on the game in the second half. All the more so after their out of form striker Grafite picked up a straight red card twenty minutes from time. A 0-0 draw keeps Wolfsburg in second place, but they face tricky trips to Istanbul and Moscow next. Things looked much better for Werder Bremen, who took a two goal lead in Vienna and appeared on their way to a third straight victory, until the old Werder defense made a surprise cameo appearance and allowed Austria Vienna to draw level and keep the German-Austrian bragging rights firmly south of the border.

2 Bad. Hertha didn’t play all that bad by their current standards, but at the moment even the third worst team in the Dutch Eredivisie finds a way to score a goal against and eventually beat Hertha. And when you are down don’t expect the referee to hand you a lifeline by awarding the penalty, that should have been given following a handball in the box by a Heerenveen player.

2 Injuries. Romeo Castelen and Jerome Boateng were this week’s prominent additions to Hamburg’s impressive sickbay.

1 Winner. That didn’t stop Hamburg grinding out a 1-0 victory at Celtic Park.

2 Late. Hamburg’s win couldn’t save what was ultimately a very below par European week though.

* While looking up the match stats I found out that the goal was eventually awarded to Bordeaux’s Marc Planus.

Wolfsburg. You are never too old for an impressive Champions League debut. Grafite (30) scored a hat-trick and became only (or already?) the sixth player to do so on his debut. Each of his goals really showed off his versatility as well. Cool finishing from a counter attack for the first goal. Winning a joke penalty and calmly converting it for the second. Killing the game with a great strike under pressure in the box for the third. The match itself was a bit underwhelming though. Moscow deserve a mention for playing the overall more polished football. Wolfsburg deserve credit for having simply more overall quality to win the game nonetheless. I still have the feeling that Armin Veh is step by step deconstructing Felix Magath’s title winning team. First he had this idea of a slick passing game, which so far resulted in games, in which the other teams pass the ball better and more often but no longer have to fear Wolfsburg’s counter attacks. Now he switched from a 4-4-2 to a 4-3-3, making Edin Dzeko look uncomfortable on the wings and Misimovic less of a brilliant playmaker on his new position in midfield.

Bayern. You are never too young for an impressive Champions League debut either. Though, in case of Thomas Müller this debut took place last season already against Sporting Lisbon, where he put the finishing touches on a 7-1 demolition. This season he put the finishing touches on a 3-0 victory over Haifa, where Bayern needed too much patience and too much Butt in goal for my taste. Head over to the Bayern Offside for match highlights.

Stuttgart. 60% possession, 11:2 shots on goal and a 1-0 half time lead against Glasgow Rangers were enough to make Stuttgart incredibly nervous, passive and overall rubbish in the second half. The resulting 1-1 draw ended up being rather fortunate for the Swabians. Badmouthing Thomas Hitzelsperger is one of my favorite past times over at the Germany Worldcupblog so this is getting old a bit but: as long as Hleb has the excuse, that his buttock pain keeps him from being fully fit, Hitzelsperger is one of the players who really should run the Stuttgart midfield. And by running I mean forward not backwards. He’s supposedly the captain of the team. A screaming Jens Lehmann who steals the opposition player’s shoes and headbands only gets you so far. For the full story of those two halves head over to the Stuttgart Offside.

Hamburg. When Hamburg are good, they are very very good. When Hamburg are bad, they are very very bad. In their match against Rapid Vienna they were very very bad and deservedly lost 3-0 in front of 50000 fans in Vienna’s Ernst Happel Stadion. At least it was against another Bundesliga side – from an admittedly cute and tiny Bundesliga. I wonder how often these mood swings will pop up at inopportune moments, to make sure Hamburg remain without a title once again? Offload all your fury, disappointment or schadenfreude over at the Hamburg Offside’s rant box.

Berlin. 13.454 fans and a 1-1 draw against the Latvian champions. This should bring fuzzy warm feelings to panicking and demoralized Hertha fans. Lousy European nights are one of the few things that Hertha could preserve this season. What Hertha definitely couldn’t preserve was their defensive stability, or their ability to compensate injuries or an offense which was just about good enough to get the result from a late counter attack. Hertha lost Jaroslav Drobny in this match, so their magic defensive triangle is now down to the not so magical Arne Friedrich. This weekend’s game against Freiburg almost feels like a relegation play-off match now.

Bremen. More possession, more chances, more goals. After 55 minutes battered Bundesliga fans were seemingly looking at a top to bottom professional job by Bremen. Until Nacional Funchal equalized inside 10 minutes. Claudio Pizzaro eventually made sure Bremen got all three points. And let’s be honest: a Werder defense that doesn’t concede a goal or two is not really a Werder defense. Head over to the Werder Offside for a proper match report.

For more Europa League head over to our, uh, UEFA Cup Offside.
For more Champions League coverage head over to our Champions League Offside.

Bonuses Champions League 2008/2009 – 2009/2010
Group Stage (fixed): €5.4m – €7.1m
Group Stage Victory: €600k – €800k
Group Stage Draw: €300k – €400k
Round of 16: €2.2m – €3m
Quarterfinal: €2.5m – €3.3m
Semifinal: €3m – €4m
Losing Finalist: €4m – €5.2m
Winner: €7m – €9m
Theoretical Maximum: €23.7m – €31.2m

Bonuses UEFA Cup/Europa League 2008/2009 – 2009/2010
Group Stage (fixed): €115k – €900k
Group Stage Victory: €40k – €120k
Group Stage Draw: €20k – €60k
Round of 32: €70k – €180k
Round of 16: €70k – €270k
Quarterfinal: €300k – €360k
Semifinal: €600k – €630k
Losing Finalist: €1.5m – €2m
Winner: €2.5m – €3m
Theoretical Maximum: €3.815m (CL 6.2x more) – €6.06m (CL 5.1x more)

Now, I was probably a bit harsh on the Europa League. The early stages of the competition have been boosted quite a bit, while the quarter- and semifinal bonuses remained virtually untouched. The new group stage also means three guaranteed home games compared to two in the old UEFA Cup. The gap between the two European competitions remains immense though and is further widened with the help of the somewhat complicated market pool.

The Market Pool
Apart from bonus payments, clubs also receive money from the market pool, which makes up 40% of the money UEFA allocated for the Champions League or Europa League respectively. The money from this pool is paid out to the clubs in relation to factors like the amount the club’s home market contributed to the market pool, how far the club advanced in the competition in relation to other clubs from the same league and so on and so on. In case of the old UEFA Cup it’s also worth pointing out that UEFA’s central marketing didn’t kick in until the quarterfinal stage, so only clubs that participated from this stage onwards were paid out. On the other hand, clubs were free to market themselves in the early stages and ideally earn good money from TV rights (large fanbase, attractive draw permitting). The new Europa League is marketed centrally from the group stage onwards.

To give you a better feel, here are some real life examples of money Bundesliga clubs earned last season (combined bonuses and market pool):

Bayern Munich €34.566m (CL)
Group Stage Fixed: €5.4m, Group Stage Performance: €3m, Round of 16: €2.2m, Quarterfinals: €2.5m, Market Pool: €21.466m

Werder Bremen €22.272m (CL)
Group Stage Fixed: €5.4m, Group Stage Performance: €1.8m, Market Pool: €15.072m, Total: €22.272m

Hertha Berlin €275k (UC)
Group Stage Fixed: €215k, Group Stage Performance: €60k

Hamburger SV €3.7m (UC)
Fixed: €215k, Performance: €120k, Round of 32: €70k, Round of 16: €70k, Quarterfinal: €300k, Semifinal: €600k, Market Pool: €2.339.850

Werder Bremen €7m (UC)
Quarter Final: €300k, Semifinal: €600k, Losing Finalist: €1.5m, Market Pool: €4.654.850

Both Bayern and Bremen benefitted from Schalke’s Champions League qualification failure and thus only had to share the market pool between themselves. Bayern additionally benefitted from Bremen failing to survive the easiest of groups. Bremen’s UEFA Cup final appearance meant they earned almost twice as much in the UEFA Cup alone than their northern rivals Hamburg. The €22m they got from the Champions League just adds further insult to injury. In case of the puny numbers by Hertha and Hamburg it’s worth mentioning that both were able to sell some TV rights for their home matches, which don’t show up here. In case of Hertha there were the games against Benfica and Galatasaray and in case of Hamburg there were games against Ajax, Aston Villa, Nijmegen and Galatasaray. Both clubs probably got between €500k to a maximum of €1m for each game.

Sources: 1 – 2

I stripped as much complexity from all of this in the quick guide, and tried to not make too many mistakes in the complicated one.

The Quick Guide
Just make sure to finish first or second in the table. This guarantees you Champions League group stage football and a nice fat sum of money from the UEFA to sign new superstars or keep the old ones.

At the moment this privilege would go to Wolfsburg and Hertha, though with at least three more clubs hot on their heels they may also want to take a peek at the complicated guide…

The Complicated Guide

3rd Place – Champions League Qualification
A two-legged knock-out tie to decide whether your team plays in the Champions League or Europa League group stage. This is a small improvement over previous seasons, where teams losing this tie would still need to play an additional knockout tie to make it to the UEFA Cup group stage. So managers can at least budget with the Europa League group stage. The UEFA has yet to announce how much money they’ll pay to the clubs competing in their new competition. It’s presumably a tiny sum and compared to the Champions League it’s presumably a microscopic sum even.

4th Place – Europa League Play-Off
A two-legged knock-out tie to qualify for the Europa League group stage.

5th Place – Europa League 3rd Qualification Round
A two-legged knock-out tie to advance to the Europa League play-off round. UEFA could have probably just called the play-off round 4th qualification round instead, but that would have been too easy – and admittedly not a lot less confusing anyway.

Intertoto Cup – Dead and Buried
Finally.

DFB-Pokal Winner – Europa League Play-Off
There are some special cases connected to the DFB-Pokal. If the cup winner has finished the season in the top three (Champions League) the losing finalist will compete in the Europa League play-off round instead. If the losing finalist also finished in the top five the Europa League spot will go back to the league allowing the 6th placed team to compete. If the cup winner has finished 4th or 5th in the league the Europa League spot will go back to league as well. None of this will be the case this season though.

UEFA Cup Special Cases
The UEFA grants the UEFA Cup winner direct qualification for the new Europa League group stage but only in the case that the club couldn’t qualify for any European competition through the league. Ahead of this week’s semi-final this means that both Bremen and Hamburg have one more lifeline to get to Europe. In fact if you want to see as many Bundesliga clubs as possible in next seasons European competitions you should hope that a) Bremen/Hamburg win the cup b) Bremen/Hamburg don’t qualify through the league or DFB-Pokal.

UEFA Fair Play Ranking
An additional Europa League spot would be available to the fair play kings of the European leagues finishing in the top three of UEFA’s Fair Play ranking. But based on UEFA’s provisional ranking the Bundesliga won’t be one of them this season.

OK, I think everything should be as clear as mud now.

This photo is disturbingly fascinating.

Photo: Alexander Hassenstein/Bongarts/Getty Images

The good news is, that no Bundesliga team has been knocked out yet. The bad news is, that Schalke made the overcrowded UEFA Cup even more overcrowded, by losing to Atletico Madrid (1-0 / 0-4). I give them credit that they were missing five starting XI regulars due to injury though – two of which were the big money signings. Still, they looked particularly nervous and devoid of confidence in the second leg, and Kevin Kuranyi keeps scheduling his big performances for the odd Energie Cottbus home game.

Those following the Champions League ugly little sister will also be happy to hear that the convoluted and chaotic UEFA Cup qualification rounds are over. That means you only have to wrap your head around the convoluted and chaotic UEFA Cup itself from now on.

Said UEFA Cup, features a pre-group stage knock-out round and the Bundesliga sides were pitted against the following opposition.

Hertha BSC Berlin – St. Patrick´s Athletic (Ireland)
VfL Wolfsburg – Rapid Bucharest (Romania)
Apoel Nikosia (Cyprus) – Schalke 04
Tscherno More Warna (Bulgaria) – VfB Stuttgart
Borussia Dortmund – Udinese Calcio (Italy)
Hamburger SV – FC Unirea Urziceni (Romania)

Wolfsburg and Dortmund were unseeded and picked up the toughest opponents compared to the other Bundesliga sides. Also, only Schalke and Stuttgart get to play their second leg at home, which is usually considered an advantage.

Werder Bremen and Bayern Munich where meanwhile drawn into the following groups:

Group B
Inter Milan (Italy)
Werder Bremen
Panathinaikos (Greece)
Anorthosis Famagusta (Cyprus)

Group F
Lyon (France)
Bayern Munich
Steaua Bucharest (Romania)
Fiorentina (Italy)

If Bremen hadn’t blundered against a Greek team last season, I would say that this is a manageable draw for Bremen. Lyon and Fiorentina could pose a problem to Bayern in their current form.

All in all, plenty of Romanian and Italian sides to visit this year. Luca Toni will be especially pleased to meet his former club mates, after missing out on this chance in the UEFA Cup last season.

• The Bundesliga Offside’s new theme tune. And for those who know a bit of German, it’s also a fun little quiz about Lukas Podolski and Luca Toni. If you don’t speak German, you might still try clicking around randomly to see a bit of Luca/Lukas in action. (FAZ)
• Fun with names: Lehmann knows the Veh to Stuttgart. (AFP)
• Trouble with names: football versus soccer. (Deutsche Welle)
• Midfield ace and enfant terrible Stefan Effenberg talks about the Champions League struggles of the Bundesliga clubs. (uefa.com)
• After missing out on the old Zidane, the Bundesliga could be home to the new Zidane. (Guardian sportblog)
• Deutsche Welle added interviews with Nuremberg’s Angelos Charisteas, Dortmund’s Mladen Petric and Bayern’s Marcell Jansen to their “Heroes of the European Championships” dossier. (Deutsche Welle)
• Uli Hesse-Lichtenberger profiles the silent enigma known as Miro Klose. (ESPN Soccernet)

Bayern made no mistake the second time around and beat Madrid 4-0 with Uli Hoeneß and Gerd Müller both bagging a brace. It was the first of three consecutive Champions League wins for Bayern. At the end of his career Schwarzenbeck had won about everything a footballer could win including the Euros in 1972 and the World Cup in 1974.

Schwarzenbeck opted for a quiet life after his football career and never showed much interest in working as a coach or manager. Instead he opened a newspaper shop in Munich, which he is still operating. This newspaper shop is also Bayern Munich’s official supplier of office materials.

Katsche Schwarzenbeck celebrated his 60th birthday today.